Hunters Must Keep Quiet 

    Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.

An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.

"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

Photo Trap 

    A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

Workin' Man at the Restaurant 

A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.

The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"

The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

People in Grass Houses 

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

      thank you jee

Give or Take a Gazillion 

    The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

thank you.

Sweet Talker 

    On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”
Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots 

    A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."